Despite being in limbo for the longest time and I think the whole thing was called off for some time, it appears as though the American version of Top Gear is actually coming to fruition.

Now it isn’t like Top Gear doesn’t have competition. Fifth Gear is also produced in the UK and is hosted by some of the people responsible for the original Top Gear series but to be honest, they’re rather boring. I mean, their most recent season premier featured one of the most gorgeous cars of all time, the Ferrari 458 Italia, and I could barely make it through the episode without snoring. Of course, there are the Australian and, yes, the…ahem…Russian versions of Top Gear as well but they also fail to capture the magic of our favorite pokey motoring show on BBC2.

I mostly credit the team of Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May for the show’s success. They’re funny and interesting in a weird way. I mean, if you think about it, Top Gear is mostly those three sort of older dudes talking nonsense most of the time and botching everything they do. If that isn’t a recipe for success, I don’t know what is.

I guess it’s too early to tell but from the first trailer, Top Gear US looks like it’s the result of what would happen, say, I were to put together an episode of Top Gear…except I wouldn’t give a damn about NASCAR. It lacks the flair and production quality of the British version. You’d think it would be easy to bring over the fancy pants camera techniques employed in the original over here.

What I fear might happen to the Americanized version of Top Gear is that they’re going to stick to American cars and let’s face it, all the most interesting cars in the world don’t come from this side of the Atlantic…or the Pacific. In terms of supercars, everything that’s awesome comes from Italy or Germany or the UK. Zonda, Ascari and Koenigseggegiahegaegggg aren’t from the States. Heck, even affordable cars are more interesting with all the Renaults, Citroens and Fiats available in Europe. Do you really need to watch a review of a Ford Taurus? Or worse…trucks.

So here’s to hoping Top Gear US isn’t bloody awful as I would love something to watch when the real Top Gear goes on break.

Other than being a hilariously entertaining show about cars, Top Gear has some of the best camera work on television. The way the show is produced is amazingly well done with top-notch cinematography…and in the upcoming season (we assume it will start in November) will finally join the rest of the world in high definition!

There have been several episodes in HD already such as the Polar Special from a couple years ago but for the most part, our favorite BBC2 show has been stuck in standard definition. However, the first question that sprung to my mind is…how on earth are those of us not in England going to get it since the majority of us outside of the UK get Top Gear via downloading episodes from online sources such as FinalGear.com. They’ve already said that they will be releasing episodes in 720p and 1080p but I can’t imagine how long that 1080p download is going to be considering that an hour long episode at standard definition is a 700MB video file. Probably three or four times the size? The delay and anticipation would kill me!

With Top Gear off the air for a couple more months, fans have found other ways to amuse themselves. For example, one has put together this compilation of Clarkson sound effects…and…well, it’s hard to explain.

How’s THAT for a headline?

Mythbusters is basically porn for science geeks. These guys take the most far out ideas anyone can think of and put them into practice. Apparently this is a revisit to the failed experiment where they tried to fuse two trucks together in a head-on collision and see if a car caught between them would get pancaked. In theory, it might be somewhat the same but that rocket sled is traveling quite a bit faster than any commercial truck possibly could. Heck, it’s faster than most planes. The result? Pure awesomeness.

Seriously, anything on high speed film is fun to watch.

I was one of few people that was actually excited to see this movie. Well, one of few that doesn’t wear a doo-rag, carry a Prada murse or wear track pants outside of the gym. Honestly, The Fast and the Furious is a special movie to me and many of my friends. Not because it was good, oh no. In fact, it is possibly one of the worst movies ever made but it is one that is so bad, that it’s actually good. Although I’ve only seen it a few times, it had so many memorable one-liners that we spew on a daily basis. “Had me?! You never had me! You never had your car!” It also had Ja Rule in such a terrible performance that he makes 50 Cent look like Marlon Brando. I bet that girl that played “MONNNNNIIICCAAAA!!!!” has been in more movies than that guy.

Either way, it isn’t because the movie is good. Oh, no. No one likes the tuna there…but at least The Fast and the Furious was a fun movie and I guarantee you that if you flip to it while channel surfing, you’ll at least watch part of it. In fact, as bad as they are, all the F&F movies are watchable. Even that terrible Tokyo Drift movie had some fun stuff in it despite having both the most realistic and most unbelievable (at the same time!) storyline of the first three…figure that one with your mind grapes. However, neither the sequel or the…threequel were even close to the level of memorability as the original so you could imagine why I was excited the see Fast and Furious after I saw the original cast members were returning.

The movie opens with Toretto doing what he does best…stealing things while driving quickly and this time, in the Dominican Republic where I’m guessing he’s running from all those charges he’s still facing in the United States after Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) lets him go at the end of the first movie. The opening action sequence is absurd (you have to drive UNDER the trailer, stupid!) but it is entertaining for all the right reasons. Those who saw the third movie will recognize Han, a telling sign that this movie happens before the events of the third. Soon, Toretto receives word that the cops are hot on the tail of his crew (which includes Michelle Rodriguez’ Letty) so they decide to disperse before the heat catches up to them. Not wanting Letty to get caught with him, he disappears.

Years later, we find Dom working on cars somewhere (I’m sure they say but I can’t remember) when he receives a call from his sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) that Letty was killed. Out for revenge, Dom returns to the United States. Of course, it seems that the drug lords that are responsible for Letty’s murder are also the ones that Brian O’Conner, now a FBI agent for some reason, has been after for months. Oh look, coincidence brings the old friends back together.

I’m not going to say anything more about the storyline since it is incredibly convoluted and full of holes. I honestly think that in the editing room, they had to decide between explosions and exposition and instead of making the movie make a smidgen of sense, they went for the explosions. It seems Justin Lin has gone to the Michael Bay School of Filmmaking as Fast and Furious seems too short despite being 107 minutes long, mostly because things happen out of nowhere and without precedent. For example, Brian and Mia are at each other’s throats one minute and making up (and out, I guess) several scenes later with no real reason as to why. Oh right…because they went out six years ago and have barely spoken since then. My mistake.

Although no one but morons will contend that the original was Oscar-worthy, at least it was a fun ride. There’s car porn, there’s scantily clad women and guys talking about how bad tuna sandwiches are. There’s none of that in this movie. All the excitement generated by the pre-title scene is immediately killed with a funeral scene and the tone of the film is dreary throughout. Everyone is depressed and angry the entire time, which infects the audience. There are no memorable lines to crack jokes about and there aren’t even any cars worth noting other than Toretto’s Dodge Charger because the latest Subaru Impreza looks like the Rosie O’Donnell of cars. There only race in the entire movie happens near the beginning of the film as Dom and Brian race undercover to get a job in the drug cartel…and for the majority of it, they aren’t even racing each other! The rest of the car chase scenes happen in a tunnel (yawnnnn…) and in a semi-rally course in Mexico (double yawn…)

The one saving grace that I had with this movie is that they didn’t make O’Conner and Toretto into action superheroes and there’s no ridiculous shootout. There’s a scene in Mexico where they roll into a church with guns drawn and I remember thinking “If they’re going to take on the drug cartel in a shootout…I’m walking out of here.” Fortunately, they remembered what movie they’re in and stick to settling conflicts with NOS (or NAAAAAAAAAAWWWWSSSS!!!) and 10 seconds at a time.

There’s no fun to be had in this movie which is unfortunate, really. They moved away from the street racing roots and tried to turn it into some sort of buddy cop drama…with fast cars. This isn’t a great idea since you have two of the worst actors working today in the main roles and the freakin’ movie is supposed to be about racing. Sure, turn it into a drama if you want but if you’re going to try to be serious here, take it further because it with this thin of a plot just makes for a horrible movie. Sure, the original The Fast and the Furious was a joke of a movie but at least they were in on the joke.

Sorry, Fast and Furious…this time we’re not even laughing at you.

Verdict: 2.0 out of 10

So you have a million some dollars burning a hole in your pocket, looking to buy yourself a ridiculous supercar. You look at the Ferraris, Aston Martins and even the Pagani Zonda or the Koeniggegigiggigig but they just don’t have the kind of power you’re looking for. Heck, even when you look at the 1001hp Bugatti Veyron, you think to yourself “I sure wish this car had another 349hp so I could go 10 miles per hour faster than the 253mph top speed.”

Well, worry no more, retardedly rich guy! Bugatti is coming out with a new model of the Veyron, which will top out at 263mph, powered by a 1350hp nuclear powerplant.

In all seriousness, I have no idea how they managed to squeeze another 349hp out of a 16-valve engine that has 4 turbos or how they managed to find tires that could put that kind of power on the road or create enough downforce to keep it from taking off but apparently they did. However, if Top Gear is any indication, it’ll be smokin’ in a straight line but won’t be able to corner as well as cars with slightly less power. We’ll probably get some more details on this monster in a few weeks’ time.

When I first heard of the possibility of a 4-door, 4 seater Lamborghini, I thought the whole thing would be stupidier than Porsche making the Cayenne. However, Lamborghini hasn’t made the same mistakes Porsche did by making the new Estoque the ugliest thing on the planet. In fact, it’s quite striking. The rear lines are a bit strange but overall, it’s damn good looking with that front modeled after the Reventon.

As promised, Top Gear returned this Sunday. We can expect more drama with the guys going to what looks like a South American country, Russia, racing buses, driving on what looks like Route 66, Richard driving a flaming pink motorbike, James Racing the Stig and Jeremy pulling a Michael Kwan. Oh, James also has what looks to be a salad colander on his head for some reason…

Also, a dog drives a Lamborghini LP560-4…briefly.

Top Gear also recently won Best Factual Program during the British National Television Awards. Unfortunately, since Jeremy, James and Richard were filming the new series, they couldn’t make it. Good thing the Stig had a day off and could go accept the award.

According the UK Mirror earlier this week, Top Gear frontman Jeremy Clarkson was injured in a head-on crash during the taping of a segment for the show. He suffered some minor injuries but that shouldn’t delay the start of Top Gear’s new fall season, which starts on November 2nd. Great news for Top Gear addicts like myself.

Critics of the show and crazy fanatics have been quick to liken Clarkson’s crash with the one that almost killed Richard Hammond in 2006. However, there really isn’t much in common between the two. Fact of the matter is any time you have a show about cars, you’re obviously going to have the risk of accidents. What I’m afraid of is that the BBC is going be stupid and tone down what’s great about the show.

Either way, we’ll find out soon when the season starts in a little more than two weeks.

Oh, and those of you reading from Russia will be happy to hear that you guys will be getting your own version of Top Gear. In Soviet Russia, Top Gear watches you! I don’t foresee it being a hit though as the American and Australian versions of Top Gear have been met with tepid success.

$81,000 worth of Japanese muscle car. Gorgeous in red…probably deliciously evil in black.

Note to Toyota: THIS is how you put on a exhibit. Who wants to look at Corollas!?

Even though Tokyo is massive, it’s not particularly hard to get anywhere since public transit runs like clockwork. It’s not quite as cheap as most folks might prefer, though since a daily commute can cost quite a bit if you don’t live at one of the major train stations.

Last week, I thought I’d go check out Ikebukuro, one of the more low key areas of the city. Sure, it’s still covered in skyscrapers and neon but to a lesser extent than the more flamboyant, pretentious regions like Shinjuku and Ginza. That isn’t to say the area isn’t huge, though as the train station is one of Tokyo’s largest and serves as a major hub.

After a short walk, I came across a large Toyota building, the Amlux Toyota Auto Salon. I’ve never been to this one but the last time I was in Tokyo, I remember the similar attraction in Odaiba was worth a look.

Unfortunately, I was quite wrong. Other than the Toyota F1 display (and I’m sure it’s not an actual F1 car…just a shell), there wasn’t anything particularly interesting. What surprised me the most was that there wasn’t anything that anyone would drive faster than 60. Let’s remember that Toyota has made great cars like the Supra, Celica, and MR2/MR-S which have some racing blood in them. What good is a exhibit full of sensible family cars? Seriously…who goes to look at Corollas and Priuses?

What’s worse is that the place allows you to drive any of their cars for as little as 250 yen for 30 minutes. That’s a steal but from what I understand, that only gets you the Corollas and Yarises. Sorry but if I wanted to drive a Japanese econobox, I could do so…at home…at a dealership…for free. If you want to drive one of their massive vans or a luxury boat…there are some of those available as well but I couldn’t be bothered to read all the forms and health/safety books unless I could get my hands on a something I’d actually want to drive.

I guess the argument is that there is currently no sports cars in the Toyota range. Yes, the Celica and MR-S died a couple years ago and there hasn’t been a Supra for years…which is sad, really. However, why not have one of the concept cars on display…such as the one that’s rumored to be the model for the new Supra. Who on earth wants to look at sensible, family cars…for fun?

We were talking about the absurd costs of owning supercars over Dot Com Pho this week. I’m not sure about you but I always thought that if you buy a Ferrari F430, it would be $180,000. However, you really don’t think about the ridiculous maintenance costs. Apparently oil for the F430 costs $60 a quart and that’s not nearly the most expensive part you’ll need every so often. Replacing the brakes, the clutch and the sort will ring up a tens of thousands if you drive it on a regular basis.

Of course, this doesn’t compare to the real supercars like the Bugatti Veyron, which requires custom tires to put 1001BHP on the road, which cost a whopping $17,000 for a set of four. There’s also the option for race wheels with a run-flat system for $43,000. At the top speed of 253MPH, these tires will only last you about 70 miles, or about 15 minutes. Oh but most people won’t have to worry about that since the 26.4 gallon fuel tank will empty in 12 minutes.

That must be what this guy was doing…

After months of waiting for some Japanese dudes to forge my wheels in the fires of Mount Fuji, Advance Motorsports finally got my Work Emotion CR Kai’s here. It took me hours to apply the decals and then actually mount them on my car with a friend’s help but it was all worth it. Doesn’t my baby look that much hotter with her new shoes?

Day started out rather normal but after classes, I smoked it out of UBC to Advance, which is annoyingly located in Coquitlam, which is significantly further away from…well, everything. Everything went smootly…except that I forgot to bring the wheel lock key for my stock rims. Doh!

These are 18″ wheels wrapped with the 215/40/18 Kumho Ecsta SPT’s that I drove down to Bellingham for. It’s late and I’ve been either driving or working on this nearly all day so I’m too pooped to take real pictures. I just stopped where there was the most light and snapped a few. Maybe some more when I get some center caps…

We were talking about the new Lamborghini Reventon this week at our weekly Dot Com Pho and the opinions were mixed. John thought it was vulgar and stupid, Gary, Leo and Stephen hadn’t heard much about it and Greg is just amused by shiny objects. Michael was too busy with the pitcher, which had three spouts…something he’s never seen before. Personally, I thought it was genius. The Reventon is designed to look like a F-22 Raptor stealth fighter and, let’s face it, that’s what Lambos are all about. If they’re not the sort of car you imagine when you’re 7-years old, then it’s failed.

The exterior isn’t the only thing that’s designed to be like a F-22 stealth fighter. The dashboard is an LCD that switches from boring ol’ car mode to super awesome jet fighter mode. Top Gear showed this off a couple weeks ago.

In all seriousness, that’s just about the best thing ever. You’d have to be mind-numbingly boring to not want that dashboard in your vehicle, although it is considerably less impressive in, say, a Honda Civic than a 660-horsepower hypercar with a top speed of 211MPH.

Not to mention the entire thing, including the wheels which act as air intakes, is made of carbon fiber and it has been scientifically proven that anything made of carbon fiber is automatically awesome. Too bad there will only be 20 of these made and they each carry a price tag of approximately $1.6 million. While it’s a heck of a lot more unique and better looking, given the choice, I’d probably opt for the faster (253MPH) and more practical (really!) Bugatti Veyron, which is a relative bargain at $1.2 million.

I finally took my Mazda 3 to the body shop this week to get some dents and paint work done before I do anything further. Unfortunately for me, that means I had to drive this.

Yeah, that’s a Honda Civic DX and while it’s only 20HP and about 40 torque less than my car but god, it’s just horribly slow. I put my foot down and, well, I couldn’t pass anything on the highway, whereas I’m usually able to merge and weave with ease. I guess it’s not a terrible car for regular commuters but there are so many annoying things about it…apart from the turtle pace at which it travels.

For one thing, you can’t see the hood so judging distance while parking is made more difficult. That makes the driving position awkward as well. The digital speedometer is sort of cool for a few minutes but then that gets on your nerves too. The stereo doesn’t offer any convenient linkups and there are far too many holes and drawers all over the place.

Either way, I’m glad to get my baby back from the shop today. I don’t think I could stand to be driving around anymore in something that gets to 60 in 60 years.

Late last year, I wrote a little bit about the Tesla Roadster, which I declared the “only cool electric car”. For this most part this was true as basically every vehicle one might refer to as green usually turned my stomach a little. I mean, just about every environmentally friendly vehicle, such as the Toyota Prius, was barf-inducingly ugly. I really didn’t get why they didn’t just make them look like regular cars. Wouldn’t that help sell a few more? Or maybe that was the point…the oil companies pressure car makers to create vehicles so hideously fugly that only the hippiest of tree huggers would purchase them and thus, fuel remains a multi-billion dollar industry.

However, recently, green cars have been getting better looking. In addition to hybrids that look more like their gas guzzling counterparts, there’s the Chevrolet Volt, which we talked about today at Dot Com Pho. Apparently it’s an electric car that has also has a combustion engine, not for powering the car but for charging the battery when it’s low. Plugging it into a regular wall socket will charge the car enough to get it about 40 miles, which is a fairly regular commute distance. If, however, you run out of power, the car’s engine kicks in and you can get up to 650 miles on a single tank of gas. If you never go over 40 miles, though, you’ll never use a drop of fuel. A full charge takes 6.5 hours, so you can charge it overnight to get to work and then charge it at work during your eight hour workday and drive home easily.

That’s a pretty good idea, especially with gas prices being as high as they are right now. But how’s the performance? One drawback to most “green” cars is that they’re as slow as they are ugly. The Volt has a top speed of 120MPH and a 0-60MPH time of about 8.5 seconds. That’s not bad at all…only a tiny bit slower than my Mazda 3. In comparison, the Prius (which, although it’s a hybrid, still uses fuel), has a top speed of 105MPH and 0-60MPH at 10 seconds. I’ve driven the Prius and those numbers are generous…and getting closer to 100MPH takes forever.

Price? Well, it’s not cheap at an estimated $30,000 when it comes in out 2010 but considering the savings on fuel, it could save quite a bit of money in the long run. However, I’d expect a rather long wait list if you’re considering it.

The best of all, the Volt’s looks won’t make you want to gouge your eyes out. It’s actually a rather sharp looking car. It’s not the best looking thing on four wheels but at that price and considering the technology, it’s something I could live with everyday. I’ve always said that I don’t care if the car somehow un-endangers tree moss or if kittens come out of the muffler rather than smoke, if I can’t even bear to look at it after spending 30 grand, I wouldn’t consider buying one. Although this is simply a concept (I’m sure the production model won’t have 20-inch wheels), it does look pretty good.

Some of us modify our cars to make them more unique, better looking and possibly faster but it seems that some people do it while thinking “Hmmm, what’s the fastest way to fuglify my car? I’m not sure it’s ugly enough.” It’s true. Behold this abomination that was in front of me this morning. I’m not sure what would possess anyone to do a vinyl of a dragon (and not even a badass looking dragon) on their rear window but it has to be something close to insanity…and that’s not even accounting for the danger factor.

That’s before you look at the fart pipe. You can’t see it but they also have chrome (actually plastic…) hubcaps and some equally ugly vinyl graphics on the side. I couldn’t take a picture of that since…well, I was driving and that would’ve been dangerous…or more dangerous. I was already trying to hold down the projectile vomit that was sure to come if I looked at it any longer.

I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but this is a stretch. It’s like someone telling me Rosie O’Donnell is attractive…

I mentioned awhile ago that I’ve bought some new wheels for my Mazda 3. They’re still about two to three weeks away since, I think, a Japanese guy is still forging them at this moment in the fires of Mount Fuji. Well, probably not but I like to think that’s how they’re being made so waiting is slightly less painful. Anyways, since the new rims are 18″ and my stock ones are 17″, that means I have to get some new tires.

After looking around, the best high performance summer tire that came in the size I need of 215/40/R18 were Kumho Ecsta SPT. These are Z-rated tires, which are rated for up to 149MPH…which is awesome except for the fact that my car tops out at about 120.

I don’t quite understand why stuff is still more expensive in Canada since our money is almost on par with the American dollar right now but if I were to purchase the tires here, four would cost me near $800. However, after looking online, I soon found a deal for just under $500 (taxes in) at Tire Rack and since they don’t have a store anywhere near me, I called up Discount Tire in Bellingham to get them to match it. A 40-minute drive to save almost $300 (remember I have to pay Canadian taxes too…)? Sign me up.

The day didn’t start well. For some reason, there was a massive lineup at the border…on a Wednesday. I’ve never seen so many people on the road not having to work before. I had to wait almost an hour and a half in line and I hate lining up for anything. I didn’t get across until about quarter after 5:00 and Discount Tire closes at 6:00…so I totally caned it the 25 miles to Bellingham.

If you live in Vancouver, this is a great way to save a few bucks if you’ve got the time (and trunk space) to go to Bellingham. My winter tires cost almost a hundred dollars more each in Vancouver…and that’s already if I buy them at Costco! The guys at Discount Tire will match any price and service was excellent.

So with my car crammed full of rubber, I made my way back across the border. Well, I did stay in Bellingham for awhile until dinnertime so I could miss the traffic and when I finally did leave, there was a fraction of the lineup I saw in the morning. However, lining up was pleasant compared to dealing with…ugh…customs.

Sorry but how come NAFTA doesn’t cover anything when I just happen to go across the border to buy things? Why are we still paying duties every time we go down to the States? I think it’s absurd to have to pay taxes again but thankfully, even with the extra $50 they charged me at the border, my total was still $275 less than the $800 I would’ve paid here in Canada. Border guards are all morons, by the way. Even though I declared my tires, I was still asked all sorts of idiotic questions like I’m a terrorist. That and it took those imbeciles close to 30 minutes to process something as simple as charging me 13% of $400.

But either way, it was a good day. Saving a decent amount of cash will always put a smile on your face. I’m one step closer to completing my car!

If you were planning to watch this movie…well, I’m here to convince you otherwise and hopefully spare you the pain and agony I’ve suffered for the last 90 minutes. Let me just get that out of the way because there is nearly zero redeeming qualities in Redline, a movie about a bunch of rich, stupid people and the word of high stakes auto racing. This review is full of spoilers but hopefully, by the end, I will have convinced you that you’re doing yourself a service by not going anywhere near this movie. I know the allure of beautiful women, fast cars and stuff blowing up may be strong but this is possibly one of the worst movies in history. Redline kills brain cells and can possibly cause birth defects. True story.

You might remember a few months ago, T.J. from Deuce Bigalow (some guy named Eddie Griffin) crashed a Ferrari Enzo during the filming of this movie. At the time, the thought crossed my mind that they did that on purpose to build buzz for the movie but after seeing it, I have to conclude that there isn’t a chance that anyone that worked on this film had the brain power to think of such a scheme. Hell, the movie was received so poorly the official website no longer exists. Looks like they wanted to cut their losses.

The movie opens with a million dollar bet that a young driver can make it from Los Angeles to Las Vegas in an hour and 45 minutes. For most people, this will take approximately four hours. Of course, the driver makes it and wins the bet but, for those of us who know anything about cars, this is impossible even in a McLaren Mercedes SLR (which is the car used here). I guess you could technically clear the 270 miles between LA and Vegas at the SLR’s top speed of 207 MPH and the fuel does last for about 460 miles at highway consumption but there isn’t a chance you could do BOTH. At 207 MPH, you’re going to eat that fuel much faster. He also turns off all his lights and goes with night vision to avoid cops…which is ridiculous although I’ve heard about some urban legends that involve the same thing.

The movie doesn’t get any better from there. We’re “treated” to some…”singing” by Natasha, one of the lead characters, and her band and it’s followed by some even worse “driving”. Nadia Bjorlin who plays Natasha is pretty smokin’ but no amount of hotness makes up for the horrible acting and dialogue.

The other main character, Carlos, is the brother of the driver in the opening scene and his intro is equally stomach churning. He’s a military man who comes home to find his brother being beaten up by thugs in the parking lot of the bus station. He distracts them long enough for them to get away…in a Ferrari F430. When the question of where the car came from comes up, he wonders if his brother is working for their uncle who…well, I’ll just give you the line.

“Is this Uncle Michael’s car? Michael may be blood but he’s not family and whatever he’s up to now, I can guarantee it’s no good. He’s a crook, okay? He always has been. He always will be! HE DESTROYED OUR FAMILY! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT!? Why are you SO STUPID STILL!?”

This will go down in history like my favorite line of The Fast and the Furious (“S.W.A.T. came into my house! DISRESPECTED my whole FAMILY!”). The rest of the dialogue and film cliches don’t get any better. That’s where this movie gets from bad to truly horrific. While The Fast and the Furious was fully of cliche as well, at least they had the good sense to stick to a couple. Redline brings out EVERY cliche in history and tries to cram them all into 90 minutes. Here’s a few. They don’t deserve whole paragraphs so I’ll just do it in point form.

• Car chase? It’s got that. Going against traffic? That too.
• Natasha’s dad died in a NASCAR accident. What’s more? The man that caused the accident shows up to race against her in the last race…and we don’t even know his name! Zero character development…he literally just shows up for no reason.
• Car crashes? They’re all horribly boring other than the fact that all the cars being wrecked are serious exotics. Ferrari 599 Fiorano, a Cobra, a Porsche Carrera GT…well, it goes on. Despite the fact that nearly everything that happens in the movie is very illegal, the police are a near non-factor and are all portrayed as inept and useless.
• The villain (the aforementioned family-destroying uncle), played by the bad guy from Equilibrium, is a bit different but he’s so boring that no one cares. He’s even a vegetarian!
• Carlos arms himself to the teeth to take revenge on his uncle after a race accident kills his brother by visiting a…random character that has lots of guns. After he does so, he rides through traffic, causing several accidents along the way. Sorry but if I was carrying a bunch of automatic weapons, riding through traffic on a motorcycle at excessive speed might not be the best idea. There might be a good reason for driving like a jackass but since there’s no time constraint or anything (he jumps the train tracks just before a train hits him too…for some reason) we never know find out why and the scene, like many others, look like it’s just tacked on for the sake of…whatever.


• The two main characters “get together” for no apparent reason other than they’re the two main characters. Carlos defends Natasha while she’s getting hit on at a club. He saves her for some reason after she gets kidnapped by the uncle (who suddenly loves her…for some reason) and the suddenly forge an emotional bond out of nowhere after sharing a few drinks even though I don’t think they even exchanged names at any point in the movie.
• The brother races a Lamborghini Countach against Natasha’s SLR. Most people won’t know the difference but anyone who knows anything about supercars knows how terrible the Countach actually is to drive…and there isn’t a chance it would beat a SLR in a track race…or in a straight line. The speed readouts on a computer screen for the Countach are actually higher in the movie than the car is capable of in real life.
• The uncle is in some kind of money laundering scheme and owes a lot of money. Natasha screws up his plans but purposely losing the last race by braking just before the finish line. Wow…who didn’t see that coming?

There are so many other absolutely idiotic parts to this movie but for the sake of time, I can’t list them all here. The only time this movie is even the least bit enjoyable is the brief moments where it’s just a close-up of Natasha. The other 99% of the movie is garbage. Not a single actor gives a passable performance in their role. Anytime anyone opens their mouth, it’s horrible. Anytime anything happens on screen, it’s terrible. This movie is a crime against film-making in every way possible. I’m not surprised at all that it lost most of it’s $26 million dollar budget. It’s that bad.

In all honesty, I’d rather commit seppuku using my own finger than have to watch this pile of crap again. Hopefully, I’ve saved at least a few people from accidentally picking this up at the video store because I’m sure it’ll be showing up in the bargain bin pretty soon. Don’t let my brain cell sacrifice be for nothing, folks…say away from Redline at all costs. I watched it so you don’t have to. If you want some brainless racing movies, go rent The Fast and the Furious trilogy instead.

Verdict: 0 out of 10. Not even kidding.

I think this is the first time I’ve ever written about cars twice in a row but it just had to be said.

I’m a big fan of fast car, especially ones that look as good as they go and one of my favorites has always been the Subaru Impreza, which is strange since Subaru has a design team full of hyper-active, ADD kids on a diet of sugar cookies and maple syrup. I mean, seriously, who changes the design of a freakin’ car four times in less than ten years?! However, each time they’ve done it, even though I was a bit gutted that the previous design was gone, I grew to love it. I thought the 2006 version was ugly as sin when I first saw it but eventually, I started to like it.

The first one I saw was in 1998, the 22B and it was a thing of beauty. A friend of mine owns the “civilian” version of this and I still think it’s one of the best handling cars I’ve ever thrown around a track.

Even better was the 2002 model, which I think was the best looking with those blacked out projection headlights and personally, I think a rally car like this looks better…more substantial with four doors.

In 2004, it started to get all modern and strange but still not bad. I honestly considered buying a used STi recently since I found one in the color scheme I always liked (all black…pink accents). I started to like the front end more just as they killed it in favor of…

…the 2006 model which was the first I seriously didn’t like at the beginning. That front end looks like one of the ugliest cars of all time, the Subaru B9 Tribeca. However, even then, it wasn’t terrible since it retained the general shape of what you’d expect from a STi.

But then this year, it went all wrong. What the hell is this thing? For some reason, Subaru have looked at the latest hideous Korean cars and said “Hells yes!”. It’s like the love child of a Ford Focus and a Kia Rio and seriously no longer looks like a rally car should. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the looks have translated to the consumer production models, which look even worse since they lack the racing pedigree. The STi is still the previous, better looking body but it’ll probably be discontinued for the new one soon. I don’t doubt that the latest WRC car will be seriously quick but god, it makes me want to throw up. I don’t know who did the photoshop for the shoot was but he must be an idiot. You can’t have limo tint on a rally car!

So if you’re thinking of getting a STi, buy one quick before you get stuck with this gross Hyundai knockoff.