the.[ED]ition

I finally took my Mazda 3 to the body shop this week to get some dents and paint work done before I do anything further. Unfortunately for me, that means I had to drive this.

Yeah, that’s a Honda Civic DX and while it’s only 20HP and about 40 torque less than my car but god, it’s just horribly slow. I put my foot down and, well, I couldn’t pass anything on the highway, whereas I’m usually able to merge and weave with ease. I guess it’s not a terrible car for regular commuters but there are so many annoying things about it…apart from the turtle pace at which it travels.

For one thing, you can’t see the hood so judging distance while parking is made more difficult. That makes the driving position awkward as well. The digital speedometer is sort of cool for a few minutes but then that gets on your nerves too. The stereo doesn’t offer any convenient linkups and there are far too many holes and drawers all over the place.

Either way, I’m glad to get my baby back from the shop today. I don’t think I could stand to be driving around anymore in something that gets to 60 in 60 years.

Late last year, I wrote a little bit about the Tesla Roadster, which I declared the “only cool electric car”. For this most part this was true as basically every vehicle one might refer to as green usually turned my stomach a little. I mean, just about every environmentally friendly vehicle, such as the Toyota Prius, was barf-inducingly ugly. I really didn’t get why they didn’t just make them look like regular cars. Wouldn’t that help sell a few more? Or maybe that was the point…the oil companies pressure car makers to create vehicles so hideously fugly that only the hippiest of tree huggers would purchase them and thus, fuel remains a multi-billion dollar industry.

However, recently, green cars have been getting better looking. In addition to hybrids that look more like their gas guzzling counterparts, there’s the Chevrolet Volt, which we talked about today at Dot Com Pho. Apparently it’s an electric car that has also has a combustion engine, not for powering the car but for charging the battery when it’s low. Plugging it into a regular wall socket will charge the car enough to get it about 40 miles, which is a fairly regular commute distance. If, however, you run out of power, the car’s engine kicks in and you can get up to 650 miles on a single tank of gas. If you never go over 40 miles, though, you’ll never use a drop of fuel. A full charge takes 6.5 hours, so you can charge it overnight to get to work and then charge it at work during your eight hour workday and drive home easily.

That’s a pretty good idea, especially with gas prices being as high as they are right now. But how’s the performance? One drawback to most “green” cars is that they’re as slow as they are ugly. The Volt has a top speed of 120MPH and a 0-60MPH time of about 8.5 seconds. That’s not bad at all…only a tiny bit slower than my Mazda 3. In comparison, the Prius (which, although it’s a hybrid, still uses fuel), has a top speed of 105MPH and 0-60MPH at 10 seconds. I’ve driven the Prius and those numbers are generous…and getting closer to 100MPH takes forever.

Price? Well, it’s not cheap at an estimated $30,000 when it comes in out 2010 but considering the savings on fuel, it could save quite a bit of money in the long run. However, I’d expect a rather long wait list if you’re considering it.

The best of all, the Volt’s looks won’t make you want to gouge your eyes out. It’s actually a rather sharp looking car. It’s not the best looking thing on four wheels but at that price and considering the technology, it’s something I could live with everyday. I’ve always said that I don’t care if the car somehow un-endangers tree moss or if kittens come out of the muffler rather than smoke, if I can’t even bear to look at it after spending 30 grand, I wouldn’t consider buying one. Although this is simply a concept (I’m sure the production model won’t have 20-inch wheels), it does look pretty good.

Some of us modify our cars to make them more unique, better looking and possibly faster but it seems that some people do it while thinking “Hmmm, what’s the fastest way to fuglify my car? I’m not sure it’s ugly enough.” It’s true. Behold this abomination that was in front of me this morning. I’m not sure what would possess anyone to do a vinyl of a dragon (and not even a badass looking dragon) on their rear window but it has to be something close to insanity…and that’s not even accounting for the danger factor.

That’s before you look at the fart pipe. You can’t see it but they also have chrome (actually plastic…) hubcaps and some equally ugly vinyl graphics on the side. I couldn’t take a picture of that since…well, I was driving and that would’ve been dangerous…or more dangerous. I was already trying to hold down the projectile vomit that was sure to come if I looked at it any longer.

I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but this is a stretch. It’s like someone telling me Rosie O’Donnell is attractive…

I mentioned awhile ago that I’ve bought some new wheels for my Mazda 3. They’re still about two to three weeks away since, I think, a Japanese guy is still forging them at this moment in the fires of Mount Fuji. Well, probably not but I like to think that’s how they’re being made so waiting is slightly less painful. Anyways, since the new rims are 18″ and my stock ones are 17″, that means I have to get some new tires.

After looking around, the best high performance summer tire that came in the size I need of 215/40/R18 were Kumho Ecsta SPT. These are Z-rated tires, which are rated for up to 149MPH…which is awesome except for the fact that my car tops out at about 120.

I don’t quite understand why stuff is still more expensive in Canada since our money is almost on par with the American dollar right now but if I were to purchase the tires here, four would cost me near $800. However, after looking online, I soon found a deal for just under $500 (taxes in) at Tire Rack and since they don’t have a store anywhere near me, I called up Discount Tire in Bellingham to get them to match it. A 40-minute drive to save almost $300 (remember I have to pay Canadian taxes too…)? Sign me up.

The day didn’t start well. For some reason, there was a massive lineup at the border…on a Wednesday. I’ve never seen so many people on the road not having to work before. I had to wait almost an hour and a half in line and I hate lining up for anything. I didn’t get across until about quarter after 5:00 and Discount Tire closes at 6:00…so I totally caned it the 25 miles to Bellingham.

If you live in Vancouver, this is a great way to save a few bucks if you’ve got the time (and trunk space) to go to Bellingham. My winter tires cost almost a hundred dollars more each in Vancouver…and that’s already if I buy them at Costco! The guys at Discount Tire will match any price and service was excellent.

So with my car crammed full of rubber, I made my way back across the border. Well, I did stay in Bellingham for awhile until dinnertime so I could miss the traffic and when I finally did leave, there was a fraction of the lineup I saw in the morning. However, lining up was pleasant compared to dealing with…ugh…customs.

Sorry but how come NAFTA doesn’t cover anything when I just happen to go across the border to buy things? Why are we still paying duties every time we go down to the States? I think it’s absurd to have to pay taxes again but thankfully, even with the extra $50 they charged me at the border, my total was still $275 less than the $800 I would’ve paid here in Canada. Border guards are all morons, by the way. Even though I declared my tires, I was still asked all sorts of idiotic questions like I’m a terrorist. That and it took those imbeciles close to 30 minutes to process something as simple as charging me 13% of $400.

But either way, it was a good day. Saving a decent amount of cash will always put a smile on your face. I’m one step closer to completing my car!

If you were planning to watch this movie…well, I’m here to convince you otherwise and hopefully spare you the pain and agony I’ve suffered for the last 90 minutes. Let me just get that out of the way because there is nearly zero redeeming qualities in Redline, a movie about a bunch of rich, stupid people and the word of high stakes auto racing. This review is full of spoilers but hopefully, by the end, I will have convinced you that you’re doing yourself a service by not going anywhere near this movie. I know the allure of beautiful women, fast cars and stuff blowing up may be strong but this is possibly one of the worst movies in history. Redline kills brain cells and can possibly cause birth defects. True story.

You might remember a few months ago, T.J. from Deuce Bigalow (some guy named Eddie Griffin) crashed a Ferrari Enzo during the filming of this movie. At the time, the thought crossed my mind that they did that on purpose to build buzz for the movie but after seeing it, I have to conclude that there isn’t a chance that anyone that worked on this film had the brain power to think of such a scheme. Hell, the movie was received so poorly the official website no longer exists. Looks like they wanted to cut their losses.

The movie opens with a million dollar bet that a young driver can make it from Los Angeles to Las Vegas in an hour and 45 minutes. For most people, this will take approximately four hours. Of course, the driver makes it and wins the bet but, for those of us who know anything about cars, this is impossible even in a McLaren Mercedes SLR (which is the car used here). I guess you could technically clear the 270 miles between LA and Vegas at the SLR’s top speed of 207 MPH and the fuel does last for about 460 miles at highway consumption but there isn’t a chance you could do BOTH. At 207 MPH, you’re going to eat that fuel much faster. He also turns off all his lights and goes with night vision to avoid cops…which is ridiculous although I’ve heard about some urban legends that involve the same thing.

The movie doesn’t get any better from there. We’re “treated” to some…”singing” by Natasha, one of the lead characters, and her band and it’s followed by some even worse “driving”. Nadia Bjorlin who plays Natasha is pretty smokin’ but no amount of hotness makes up for the horrible acting and dialogue.

The other main character, Carlos, is the brother of the driver in the opening scene and his intro is equally stomach churning. He’s a military man who comes home to find his brother being beaten up by thugs in the parking lot of the bus station. He distracts them long enough for them to get away…in a Ferrari F430. When the question of where the car came from comes up, he wonders if his brother is working for their uncle who…well, I’ll just give you the line.

“Is this Uncle Michael’s car? Michael may be blood but he’s not family and whatever he’s up to now, I can guarantee it’s no good. He’s a crook, okay? He always has been. He always will be! HE DESTROYED OUR FAMILY! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT!? Why are you SO STUPID STILL!?”

This will go down in history like my favorite line of The Fast and the Furious (”S.W.A.T. came into my house! DISRESPECTED my whole FAMILY!”). The rest of the dialogue and film cliches don’t get any better. That’s where this movie gets from bad to truly horrific. While The Fast and the Furious was fully of cliche as well, at least they had the good sense to stick to a couple. Redline brings out EVERY cliche in history and tries to cram them all into 90 minutes. Here’s a few. They don’t deserve whole paragraphs so I’ll just do it in point form.

• Car chase? It’s got that. Going against traffic? That too.
• Natasha’s dad died in a NASCAR accident. What’s more? The man that caused the accident shows up to race against her in the last race…and we don’t even know his name! Zero character development…he literally just shows up for no reason.
• Car crashes? They’re all horribly boring other than the fact that all the cars being wrecked are serious exotics. Ferrari 599 Fiorano, a Cobra, a Porsche Carrera GT…well, it goes on. Despite the fact that nearly everything that happens in the movie is very illegal, the police are a near non-factor and are all portrayed as inept and useless.
• The villain (the aforementioned family-destroying uncle), played by the bad guy from Equilibrium, is a bit different but he’s so boring that no one cares. He’s even a vegetarian!
• Carlos arms himself to the teeth to take revenge on his uncle after a race accident kills his brother by visiting a…random character that has lots of guns. After he does so, he rides through traffic, causing several accidents along the way. Sorry but if I was carrying a bunch of automatic weapons, riding through traffic on a motorcycle at excessive speed might not be the best idea. There might be a good reason for driving like a jackass but since there’s no time constraint or anything (he jumps the train tracks just before a train hits him too…for some reason) we never know find out why and the scene, like many others, look like it’s just tacked on for the sake of…whatever.


• The two main characters “get together” for no apparent reason other than they’re the two main characters. Carlos defends Natasha while she’s getting hit on at a club. He saves her for some reason after she gets kidnapped by the uncle (who suddenly loves her…for some reason) and the suddenly forge an emotional bond out of nowhere after sharing a few drinks even though I don’t think they even exchanged names at any point in the movie.
• The brother races a Lamborghini Countach against Natasha’s SLR. Most people won’t know the difference but anyone who knows anything about supercars knows how terrible the Countach actually is to drive…and there isn’t a chance it would beat a SLR in a track race…or in a straight line. The speed readouts on a computer screen for the Countach are actually higher in the movie than the car is capable of in real life.
• The uncle is in some kind of money laundering scheme and owes a lot of money. Natasha screws up his plans but purposely losing the last race by braking just before the finish line. Wow…who didn’t see that coming?

There are so many other absolutely idiotic parts to this movie but for the sake of time, I can’t list them all here. The only time this movie is even the least bit enjoyable is the brief moments where it’s just a close-up of Natasha. The other 99% of the movie is garbage. Not a single actor gives Anytime anyone opens their mouth, it’s horrible. Anytime anything happens on screen, it’s terrible. This movie is a crime against film-making in every way possible. I’m not surprised at all that it lost most of it’s $26 million dollar budget. It’s that bad.

In all honesty, I’d rather commit seppuku using my own finger than have to watch this pile of crap again. Hopefully, I’ve saved at least a few people from accidentally picking this up at the video store because I’m sure it’ll be showing up in the bargain bin pretty soon. Don’t let my brain cell sacrifice be for nothing, folks…say away from Redline at all costs. I watched it so you don’t have to. If you want some brainless racing movies, go rent The Fast and the Furious trilogy instead.

Verdict: 0 out of 10. Not even kidding.