Cracker That Broke Brent Sopel Sold For Five Dollars

In one of the weirdest and funniest stories of this year’s NHL playoffs, Canuck Brent Sopel had to miss the first game of the best-of-seven with the Dallas Stars because he had back spasms (or some other back injury). Normally, this wouldn’t be funny but this case is far from normal. The reason Brent hurt is back was because he was trying to pick a cracker up from the floor. No, I’m not kidding. It was hilarious so we all just had to make fun of him. This is what he had to say last week:

“They were all sitting right there,” he said. “My wife was standing beside me and my daughter dropped the cracker. They all saw it and I told them [the team] the way it happened. I tell the truth and this is what I get. Next time I’ll make up a better story.”

Alain Vigneault swears the story is true as well. However, a few days ago, pictures of an evil cracker showed up on eBay, claiming to be the one that broke our greasiest looking Canucks defenseman.

It happened last week, on a day not unlike this one..

Brent, who was feeling fatigued and weary from hard practice before playoffs, decided to unwind and indulge in some delicious crackers. It was at that exact moment of vulnerability that that cracker struck, sending shocks of pain throughout his back, and side-lining him for the first games of the playoff series.

While I was barely able to fend off the cracker long enough to place it inside a ziplock bag, I was around its evil long enough to speculate that its place of origin is undoubtably Dallas, Texas.

While I wish from the bottom of my heart that Sopel makes a speedy return, I can do my part by taking this evil curse as far away from Vancouver as possible.

While we cannot be sure that this is, in fact, the infamous back breaking cracker but it did sell for $5.00 on eBay. Be careful when handling crackers, kids.

On a related note…someone needs to tell Brent Sopel to cut his hair and shave. Seriously, he frightens small children and animals. Of course, this is usually to his advantage on the ice since opponents are usually so horrified by him that they give the puck away. I can only imagine how GM Place would somehow implode if Sopel and Mike Ricci were to play in the same game (click to see what he looks like…I’m not sure I should have both their pictures on the same page either). Brent, we love you as a Canuck, buddy so we only want what’s best for you…you need to find yourself a new stylist.

in Sports and Health