Jumper Review

by Ed Lau on March 14, 2008

Jumper, Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson, Rachel Bilson

Sometimes it’s not bad to dumb it down a bit. I mean, I enjoy some movies like Bad Boys which almost require you to turn off your brain prior to watching. However, this time I think I overshot the mark and delved straight past into the valley of stupidity. No, seriously, Jumper is quite possibly one of the most idiotic things I’ve ever seen and anyone with any semblance of logic will find themselves wondering “What the hell?” every few minutes in addition to why on earth they ever bothered watching this “movie”.

Jumper is about David Rice (Hayden Christensen), a guy with a genetic mutation that allows him to “jump” between two places instantaneously. I don’t know what kind of genetics class the writers were taking but out of all the strange genetic mutations in the world, I’m almost sure that teleportation isn’t one of them. Even if you could accept this Nightcrawler from X-men idea, the movie just says “Oh, because of a genetic mutation.” like it’s some afterthought. Actually, the explanation for…everything is an afterthought.

Jumper, Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson, Rachel Bilson

For example, Samuel L. Jackson is the leader of a group called Paladins, who are apparently the natural enemy of Jumpers although we’re not quite sure why other than that they’re pissed they can’t do it themselves so no one else should be able to. There’s apparently a huge war between these two groups although we never see too many of either at the same time. Of course, the war causes a huge ton of damage as they throw cars, destroy buildings and drive in the wrong direction but the rest of the world just seems to get by not really noticing. I’m almost sure I’d notice a dude appearing instantaneously right in front of me.

That’s not the end of the absurdity, really. Rachel Bilson’s character, Milly, who hadn’t seen David for eight years after he disappeared under some thin ice, just gets up and goes to Rome with him as soon as he shows up at a bar she’s working at. “Oh yeah, hi…how’s it going? Had a good eight years? Cool.”

Jumper, Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson, Rachel Bilson

Even the jumping seems to be confused with itself. Sometimes they arrive in a massive explosion that breaks everything around them and causes massive torrents of wind but other times, it doesn’t even cause a light breeze.

If my writing seems a bit incoherent at this point, it’s because the movie is just as difficult to make sense of. Diane Lane shows up as David’s mother, briefly, for little or no reason. There really isn’t anything going on that isn’t all jumbled and confusing. No one has a particularly good outing here, including Jackson, who I’m sure is regretting even being part of this right now. Bilson is gorgeous as usual but looks vapid and it doesn’t help that all her lines are cliche. But nothing is as bad as Hayden Christensen, whose expressions look canned and…well, he only really has one facial expression. I’m not sure who on earth told this kid he could act but no one in the history of the world has been more wrong, including the guys who thought the earth was flat and that everything was invented by 1900.

On the bright side, the special effects are fun but they get tiresome. All the exotic locations are mostly wasted since the characters are never in any given spot for more than a few minutes. Sure, it looks cool to stand on top of the Pyramids but they could’ve just put him on top of anything and used the plane ticket money to hire some real writers instead of the ones that write for the backs of cereal boxes.

This isn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen and it’s not in the “so bad, it’s funny” category either. For some reason, I also heard that this might become a franchise and the film’s lack of resolution at the end hints at a sequel. While I probably won’t watch it, that is probably what this movie needs since there’s so many unexplained (or poorly explained) plot points. Heck, the premise isn’t terrible but someone needs to re-do it altogether. It’s perhaps too short and could’ve probably used another 20 or so minutes of explosition. However, as it stands, it just feels oh so long and horribly painful to watch.

Verdict: 1.5 out of 10

in Entertainment

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Mike Huang March 15, 2008 at 10:13 am

I really wanted to watch this movie because it looks “OK”, but I guess not anymore LOL. The DOOMSDAY commercials are starting to look interesting too, but eh..

-Mike

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Polly Pureheart March 15, 2008 at 6:09 pm

I’m thinking a sequel could have him “jumping” into womens’ panties, so we (the audience) could see some righteous bush!

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Free-hdtvs March 17, 2008 at 5:25 am

Hmm I wasn’t really too sure whether I wanted to see this film or not, I don’t think I’d want to now anyway, we need some awesome films to come out!

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Derek March 17, 2008 at 11:29 am

This was one that I had thought would be a decent “entertainment” only movie but your review has moved it further down my list, although not completely off – although it would certainly only be a DVD movie.

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Tech Blog March 18, 2008 at 7:41 am

WOW – I was going to watch this movie tonight too. 1.5 out of 10? That bad, maybe its time for a re-think.

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