Manly Men Don’t Order Pink Drinks

Being the connoisseur of alcohol within my circle of friends, I’m often asked by the ladies for my opinion on certain drinks and often to their dismay, my answer is “I have no idea.” They usually can’t believe I haven’t tried a apple-tini or variations of the Cosmopolitan and they’re shocked that I define strawberry daqiris as a “girl drink”. I may sound a bit old fashioned but hey, stick with what works. There are rules and I don’t intend to deviate.

1. All manly drinks are either a shade of brown or clear. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, and, of course, beer are all one of the two…and hopefully you haven’t been trying to find a clear beer. This means if you happen to be a dude and you order a nectarini, it’s time to go skirt shopping.

2. Wine requires women. Wine is an exception to the rule above but it requires the presence of the fairer sex. A bottle of pinot is not appropriate for the Super Bowl with the fellas. The same goes for champagne but never even go near wine coolers.

3. There is only one kind of martini and it’s a dry martini. Anything that ends in -ini but doesn’t start with dry means it’s game…blouses.

4. There should be nothing in your drink but your drink. The only exceptions are ice, lime, olives, and possibly the finger of the girl you’re talking to. If you have chunks of fruit or an umbrella sticking out of a pina coloda, it’s only okay if your name happens to be Liberace.

5. Just because it’s on fire, doesn’t mean it’s okay. I’ve heard guys bragging about how they’ve drank shots that are on fire and such but remember, fire burns alcohol so you’re making the drink less alcoholic. For shame.

6. Never drink anything that says “light” on it. Not only because Coors Light (or any light beer) tastes horrible, but because you don’t have a vagina. Heck, don’t drink Coors (or any mainstream American beer) while you’re at it.

7. All bets are off when it’s free. If you don’t have to pay, then it’s okay. Notice the fruity colored shots in my Ebisu review? Yeah, those were courtesy of the restaurant. If a hot girl buys you a Shirley Temple, you drink it. Also, it’s okay to make girly drinks for girls. I know how to make all kinds of stuff where you can barely taste the alcohol…but is like 150 proof.

Some women may frown at this subsection of the man rules but none of them can honestly tell you that they want to take the guy holding the glowing pink drink with a pineapple and an umbrella sticking out of it to the dance floor. No dude wants to be seen with a friend that has to drink alcoholic lime slurpee with a twisty straw. Knock the rules if you will but you know it’s true. You don’t see Sinatra with a strawberry milkshake. No, the Chairman rides with a Jack Daniels on the rocks.

So men, please, if you must have a drink that would make the rest of us question which set of genetalia you have, please do it in the privacy of your own home. For the rest of you, ask yourself “What would Sinatra do?” the next time you order something at the club. Remember, it’s not only the drink but how good you look with the drink.

…that and if the cute bartender girl looks at you funny, then chances are you’ve done it wrong.

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