The True Story About John Chow and Pandas
September 13th, 2007 by Ed Lau |
I get asked this question literally some times each week.
“What’s the deal with John Chow and pandas?”
So I guess it’s time we tell the true story to the world. Three people were present when John first confessed his anti-panda crimes and since Carl is a bit too lazy to update his blog at regular intervals, I guess I’m the only other person that knows the truth.
It was a dark and stormy night…probably, since it was probably 2am and since this is Vancouver, I’m sure there was some kind of downpour. John, Carl and I were sitting at a local restaurant, the now closed Golden Award in Richmond, like we usually do, drinking our free refills and being so loud that it actually shook the dishes across the room.
We talk about a lot of different things on a regular basis but more often than not, John tells us a story and Carl and I shake our heads at the level of evil he’s just come up with. We’ve often concluded that John is the cause of all the evil in the entire world and as close to Gordon Gecko as non-fictionally possible. On this particular night, however, a bit of history was made. I don’t know how we got here but it all started with…
John: Yeah well back in China, I had a rock fight!
Ed: Why the hell would you have a rock fight?
Carl: Who the hell has rock fights!?
John: Well, me and my friends were walking around and I threw a rock into a bunch of trees. I kept throwing them and…eventually, a rock came flying back at me!
Carl: Who was throwing rocks at you?
John: I don’t know. What started as just me throwing a rock at some trees escalated into a full scale rock fight!
Ed: Was anyone hurt?
John: Probably. They were rocks.
Ed: You probably hit a panda or something.
John: Pandas can’t throw rocks!
Ed: That first rock you threw probably struck a baby panda in the head and killed it. The mother panda was so angry that she picked up a rock and threw it back at you.
Carl: He probably killed an entire family of pandas.
Ed: Yep. The mother panda, in an attempt to save the rest of her children from the barrage of rocks dives in front of them, growling “NOOOOOOO!” in slow motion but is killed saving the panda cubs…who are eventually killed by John and his bloodthirsty rocks anyways.
John:
Ed: Yeah, you probably killed a lot of pandas.
A couple years later when I started getting into blogging and John was just starting to reveal his evil to the world through his blog, I brought up the story in the comments. Just as people were starting to piece together how evil John in fact was, I revealed his panda-stoning past and ever since, it’s become a staple to John’s evil online persona.
There you have it, folks. The facts are indisputable. He actually threw rocks at pandas.
True story.
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That’s pretty much exactly how our conversation went too, I remember it!
I agree, I should be posting to my personal blog more often.
hey carl, tell john that he’s going to hell and i cant wait until he does because i want the devil to through rocks at him and i want him to get tourtured for etirnity and i will laugh so hard and the pain will never go away. so have fun now while you’re on earth because you wont have fun when you die.and everyone who goes on this site and doesnt feel bad for the animals, then you’re sick. from the comments that i’ve look out so far are against you so just stop, you’re not cool.
pandas rock! so dont dis pandas!!!!!!
That would be interesting to get you guys on film. You guys are in VC right?? I was just there a couple of months ago.. chillng granville. Nice City. I wanted to do an interview with JC.. but he never replied to my email in time.
John seems to have upgraded from rocks to knives. Seriously though, don’t you just hate it when the trees throw rocks back? lol
It wasn’t the trees, I tell you…it was a family of pandas fighting for their lives, avenging their fallen loved ones!
Why don’t we dress up as the Chinese army or something and arrest John Chow for hurting pandas? Gets us all on the news.
It’s an ugly story but I suppose the world need to know what evil it is up against.
No wonder he’s the root of all evil. Go pandas!
I disagree with John about the rocks… Using evil powers obtained through concentrated study of johnchow.com, is the best way to take down the powers of the panda’s!
[...] the sign in the background. John Chow was also in attendance but he was too busy looking for rocks to throw at [...]
what the hell man i panda like are awsome you jackass
[...] doesn’t take panda-killing John Chow to work out that the emissions we’re pumping out are having negative consequences (although [...]
Not really getting the point of this story and who the hell is John Chow any how?
[...] if you have the strange urge to make John Chow fastball some rocks at your face on [...]
panda is a cute animal why in the world we want to kill them .
poor panda ..:)
[...] we headed to the Shanghai Zoo to find any pandas that may have survived the great rock fight of China. The Shanghai Zoo is an order of magnitude times bigger than the zoo back home at Stanley Park. The [...]
[...] It started out pleasantly enough. I was just catching up on John Chow’s trip to China. Now I don’t read John’s blog regularly but I like to scim his RSS feed for interesting headlines. Well I found one today, “Hunting Pandas At The Shanghai Zoo“. Turns out it was just a video of him and his family at the zoo but the real gold was in the link to the “true life account” of how John had a rock fight with Pandas. [...]