I get asked this question literally some times each week.
“What’s the deal with John Chow and pandas?”
So I guess it’s time we tell the true story to the world. Three people were present when John first confessed his anti-panda crimes and since Carl is a bit too lazy to update his blog at regular intervals, I guess I’m the only other person that knows the truth.
It was a dark and stormy night…probably, since it was probably 2am and since this is Vancouver, I’m sure there was some kind of downpour. John, Carl and I were sitting at a local restaurant, the now closed Golden Award in Richmond, like we usually do, drinking our free refills and being so loud that it actually shook the dishes across the room.
We talk about a lot of different things on a regular basis but more often than not, John tells us a story and Carl and I shake our heads at the level of evil he’s just come up with. We’ve often concluded that John is the cause of all the evil in the entire world and as close to Gordon Gecko as non-fictionally possible. On this particular night, however, a bit of history was made. I don’t know how we got here but it all started with…
John: Yeah well back in China, I had a rock fight!
Ed: Why the hell would you have a rock fight?
Carl: Who the hell has rock fights!?
John: Well, me and my friends were walking around and I threw a rock into a bunch of trees. I kept throwing them and…eventually, a rock came flying back at me!
Carl: Who was throwing rocks at you?
John: I don’t know. What started as just me throwing a rock at some trees escalated into a full scale rock fight!
Ed: Was anyone hurt?
John: Probably. They were rocks.
Ed: You probably hit a panda or something.
John: Pandas can’t throw rocks!
Ed: That first rock you threw probably struck a baby panda in the head and killed it. The mother panda was so angry that she picked up a rock and threw it back at you.
Carl: He probably killed an entire family of pandas.
Ed: Yep. The mother panda, in an attempt to save the rest of her children from the barrage of rocks dives in front of them, growling “NOOOOOOO!” in slow motion but is killed saving the panda cubs…who are eventually killed by John and his bloodthirsty rocks anyways.
Ed: Yeah, you probably killed a lot of pandas.
A couple years later when I started getting into blogging and John was just starting to reveal his evil to the world through his blog, I brought up the story in the comments. Just as people were starting to piece together how evil John in fact was, I revealed his panda-stoning past and ever since, it’s become a staple to John’s evil online persona.
There you have it, folks. The facts are indisputable. He actually threw rocks at pandas.