the.[ED]ition

I recently watched a bunch of older movies that didn’t bother going to in the theater…and watching them reminded me why I didn’t bother seeing them in the theater. Every so often, you’ll come up with a diamond in the rough…a movie that was great despite what the critics said. These movies that I watched recently, however, aren’t in that category. These aren’t just bad. They’re bad enough that most people would rather punch themselves in the groin than watch.

The Kübler-Ross model describes the five stages of grief or receiving catastrophic news. That applies here quite well.

1. Denial: “This can’t possibly be as bad as I’m thinking it is…”
2. Anger: “Why are these idiots even allowed near a film crew?!”
3. Bargaining: “Maybe this will be better if I bang my head against a wall first…”
4. Sadness: “I can’t believe I rented this crap…”
5. Acceptance: “At least I get to blog about how horrible this movie was.”

Ghost Rider

Yes, I’m well aware that this movie couldn’t possibly have been good but we were really bored at work, alright?

Marvel hasn’t had a good run lately. Spider-Man 3 was terrible but before that, there was Ghost Rider. You’d think a movie about a dude with a flaming skull for a head couldn’t possibly be boring but it is. There’s a good (or bad) forty minutes of drivel before Johnny Blaze burns upand turns into the Ghost Rider and he does so in typical stupid Nicholas Cage laughter. If you’ve ever seen the Nicholas Cage parody on Studio 60 it’s amazingly accurate here. I don’t understand the casting choice here as Nicholas Cage isn’t…well, he’s not an action hero. He’s just not badass enough so everytime he delivers any of the cheesy and horribly written dialogue, it’s laughably bad. He’s not a bad actor but his performance here isn’t up to par. The only good thing is Eva Mendez has a smokin’ body but that’s not enough to salvage anything from this heap of crap. I would barely even refer to it as a movie.

Stomp the Yard

I’ve seen You Got Served and liked it to a certain extent but not for a second did I think it needed a sequel. Stomp the Yard stars the rookie writer from Studio 60, Colombus Short, who is actually a fantastic hip-hop dancer. That is, however, where the positives stop. If you’ve seen You Got Served, they took the exact same story (down to the ending…the girl…everything) and put it in a college environment. The choreography was not up to par with the exception of a few genuinely fun dance sequences and it was all so ridiculously predictable. I’m sure it takes some serious skill to pull off some of the moves but they just didn’t look as impressive this time around. If you can’t get enough of these dance movies then maybe you could enjoy this one but for the rest of us, don’t bother with the rental.

Deja Vu

The premise seemed interesting enough and we all know Denzel Washington is a top notch actor. However, there isn’t a second of this entire movie that is believable at all. Normally, that isn’t a problem but they filled it with so much science mumbo jumbo to try to explain the concept a “window” into the past that you start to think Tony Scott really believes it can work. Unless you’re a moron, you’re going to be saying to yourself “What the hell? That’s not true…that’s not even possible!” every time one of the “scientists” rattles off an absurd explanation. There’s also a car chase through frickin’ time. The camera also cuts abruptly all over the place and with so many electronics everywhere and people trying to tell you how they bent space, it all gets confusing fast. Do yourself a favor and watch a previous Denzel and Tony Scott movie, Man on Fire, instead.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007 at 7:35 pm and is filed under Entertainment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.