Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review (Late…on Purpose)

I wanted to write my review of this summer’s Michael Bay blockbuster and the last (I think) of the Michael Bay/Shia The Beef incarnation of the Transformers franchise later…after I had seen it again…as a half-way decent, not-that-shaky camera rip I found on the internet. Let me explain why.

Transformers has a special place in my heart. I loved the toys, I enjoyed the TV shows and generally, I associate it with pleasant parts of my childhood. However, I’ve never really gotten on board with the movies. The first one I sort of enjoyed because it was a Transformers movie but I couldn’t stand the cheesy dialogue. I’ve always thought Michael Bay just states the obvious…and the movie really does with lines like “One must stand and one must fall.” sort of garbage. That’s probably why I hated the second movie so much. While the first movie had cool set pieces, fun action sequences, a little good humor and shots of Megan Fox bending over a Camero, the second was full of stupid one-liners, blatant racism and all the fights were jumbles of scrap metal tumbling too fast for anyone to see.

I had no reason to think Dark of the Moon was any different and it really isn’t but I have to say, I spent the entire movie with my eyes wide open behind two pairs of glasses (the 3D ones, which were Scotch-taped to my own. No, really.) yelling “WOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!” as one of the movie’s thousands of explosions. Honestly, I can’t remember a more spectacular looking movie since I saw Avatar. It was like staring directly into Michael Bay’s head, where I’m sure all of his thought processes have explosions and low sweeping camera angles. This is the sort of movie that Michael Bay makes when he isn’t hindered by silly things like gravity, reality or history books.

But like Avatar, without the visual flash, the movie isn’t a particularly good one. I mean, I haven’t bothered to watch Avatar since the time I saw it in IMAX 3D. There’s really no point since the movie isn’t very good without the effects. It’s like a peacock without the plumage…just not very interesting.

The script is convoluted, confusing, poorly written and the entire first half of the movie is irrelevant by the time the second hour rolls along. Watching it again without the big screen just emphasizes the movie’s flaws. Inevitably, you will come across that moment where you think to yourself “Wait…why didn’t they just ?” or “Oh come on…no one would EVER do !” because there’s no way a logical human being would stand around with her hair blowing in the wind as things blow up around her.

Speaking of which, Rosie Huntington-Whitely replaces Megan Fox in this third film for reasons that I could care less about because it isn’t like Megan Fox brings anything but hotness to the table. It’s hard to complain when the movie begins with what is basically a five minute sequence of Bay’s Victoria’s Secret footage that never made it to the commercials but it’s hard to think of her as anything but eye candy in this film since all of her scenes feel like they should be accompanied with Bay standing over your shoulder, pointing at the screen and yelling “She’s HOT! Look at how HOT she is!” in your ear. No, really…that’s her entire role in Dark of the Moon but that really could be said of all the humans in Transformers who are all rather replaceable, interchangeable and forgettable.

Actually, now that I think about it, most of the robots are insignificant as well. Other than the main players like Optimus, Megatron, Bumblebee, and a few others, most of the rest look the same and unless you’re a huge Transformers nerd fan, you aren’t even going to know their names. Most of the time, I had to lean over and ask my buddy who many of the indistinguishable piles of metal were. “Oh, so that’s Shockwave? Wait…which one is Soundwave, then!?” The original cartoon versions were always very easy to tell who’s who but in this movie and the previous one…why do all the Decepticons look the same?

The real star of the show is Michael Bay, who has someone managed to make a movie I absolutely hate but love at the same time. Seeing this film in the theater was just amazing. The visual effects are incredible and the CG is actually quite seamless when you consider how much of the movie takes place on a motherboard somewhere. However, even the best Michael Bay movie is still a Michael Bay movie. Also, I’m not sure if this was the case in the first two movies but I thought this was a much more violent movie than before. People actually die and the robots fight in a really brutal way, tearing each other’s parts off and spraying blood or motor oil or whatever everywhere. If the Transformers were made of flesh and blood, this would be more like Saw than Transformers.

None of the dialogue makes sense. None of the scenes seem to play out in a logical order. None of the characters are close to believable. You walk out of the theater thinking “THAT LOOKED AWESOME!” but also “…wait, what just happened for damned near 3 hours!?”. Bay’s storytelling is not as much storytelling as it is taking a story and using it as an excuse to make things blow up. Who needs narrative when we have guns, robots and pretty girls, right? Oh, and the ending is one of the worst I’ve seen in movies. I know that sounds harsh but it’s made worse by how abruptly the movie ends. Right then, it will hit you how awful the whole thing really was. Pretty, but awful.

Dark of the Moon is pointless…about as pointless as movies get…but it’s fun. I tried to write this review without saying “…for some reason” but that’s what you’re going to find yourself saying a lot of the time to explain the plot. I actually recommend you watch it but do so in a theater in 3D (the 3D is actually not terrible this time) or on a 60+ inch TV. I can live with it if it’s on a big screen but otherwise, it’s about as pleasant as eating your own hair.

Verdict: 6.5 out of 10

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